Howdy y’all, eh?

***Intro and the Current Situation***

Well sports fans, it’s time for that sporadic report about my adventures as a member of the IBM nation. Over the past 4 weeks, I have spent 3 of them in Toronto and even as I type this, I am on a flight back from Texas, which will be a story in and of itself later. Oh great, the captain has just warned that we are in for a very rough and choppy ride. So bad in fact, that he has ordered the flight attendants to suspend food service, passengers to return their seats to the upright position, and to pray for dear life. He also said that he be damned if “those damned commies would blow him out the sky,” but I don’t think we were meant to hear that part because then he said “er, I mean, flight attendants, I’d like a piece of pie.” OK, so the last 2 parts are untrue, but they added something to the story. Since I’ve already started on the airplane story, I should finish.

***The Plane Ride from Texas to Boston***

Well, I have a bad feeling that my flight would be delayed or cancelled because for those who fly through Dallas/Fort Worth Airport, you know that all airlines pride themselves on substandard service, late departures, sitting on the runway to get a tan, and then finally, taking off. My flight was no different. This time, they changed the gate twice for fun because the Omni Hotel must have told them that I didn’t go to the gym this week. So, after 2 gate changes, I got to the counter to find out that my flight has been cancelled and I was sent to another counter where they booked me on an “earlier” flight (which left about 35 minutes shy of my original time after the delays). Having resolved that issue, we all board the plane ready to take off. Only we don’t. We were held up 15 minutes because it seems the plane First Officer, Max Straight, was at the nudie bar proving that he lived up to his last name. So, when the First Officer finally comes aboard (dirty minds…all of you)., we zip out to the runway, where were are informed that we will wait here for 30 minutes because the captain didn’t want to wait at the terminal, but he made some sort of Air Traffic Control excuse. During this time, half the plane is dead from dehydration. Except business class. Those of us who were smart asked for water, but we were told that beverage service was not possible. Except in business class. So some of us went to the business class flight attendant and got water. And gave the main cabin flight attendant the finger. Victory for the coach class passengers! Anyway, we manage to get off the ground, which was a miracle since the pilot almost took a left turn into the air traffic control tower. Many of laughed until we realized that American Airline coffee pots contain heroin. All this time, I am sitting next to a man whose fat is oozing into the seat next to mine (no one was sitting in the middle seat). His fat ate my CDs. So the skies have turned black now. I think I am going to repent for every sin I’ve ever done because I think I see the four horsemen of the apocolypse under the wings of the plane. Oh goodness. If we lived, then you’ll know because you got this e-mail.

***Toronto***

Anyway, forward with my report. Toronto, the city where the sunshine is oddly restricted to the airport, just so there is a false sense that Toronto might be a place worth visiting if you were drinking the American Airlines coffee, got a free ticket, or going there was a condition of employment. Like Montreal, Toronto’s major export is cold, everyone ends their sentences with “eh,” and the average height of someone in Toronto would make them just tall enough to lick my armpits. Emmanual Lewis would be the Jolly Green Gaint in Montreal. In a way, they are much like the French, except without the smell (or Mike H. who sometimes smells like roasted pork strips and cabbage). My stay in Toronto put me in the Embassy suites, right outside of Toronto. At first mention, the Embassy Suites sounds cool, but this one was “special.” I had the premonition this hotel was a major spot for business people to hook up in that Brian Bozzuto sort of way. Perhaps it was the guy in the elevator who was aggressively grabbing his “wife’s” ass, but it was probably the fact that my sheets were “white” sheet had yellow spots…over 90% of the sheet. Anyway, for anyone staying at the Embassy Suites, the couch is very comfortable after a bottle of wine. If you can make it to the couch after a bottle of wine. Unlike the real French, Canadians are very friendly. Restaurant staff often dressed like they were into S&M, but I attributed that the local culture. Overall, eh, a very good place.

***Dallas, Texas***

Now let’s take y’all to Texas, the complete opposite of Toronto, in terms of temperature. Of my 4 days in Texas, 3 of them were over 100 degrees. The other day was 99 degrees. And then there were bugs. Huge bugs. Bug so big that they looked like they wanted say something to you. They are big enough that I am not surprised that the illustrious cocaine-snorting governor did not declare them citizens. Oh gee, that cocaine habit might be why George Bush likes flying American Airlines so much. Any, let’s image a conversation with the large, nearly-talking bugs that I had when one visited me shortly after having room service delivered:

(I turn towards the bug)

Bug: Hey? What the hell are you looking at?

Me: What the f&&k?

Bug: Are you gonna finish those fries?

Me: What the f@#k?

Bug: What’s that smell?

Me: I’m shitting in my pants at the moment. I’ve never talked to a bug before.

Bug: Humanity’s time is coming to an end. Mwu ha ha ha. Can I sleep on your bed if you are taking the couch?

Me: Um, no. Please leave.

Bug: Whatever. I’ve gotta run. Talk to you later. Thanks for the fries.

When I was not talking to the bugs, I was in a class full of people from the south. As you can imagine, this was the slow redneck class. It was at this time that I realized that we all have a little Toronto in us, since before every statement, someone would say “huh?”. We were talking about Systems Network Architecture in class, but in my mind, the whole 4 days was a huge play with the plot being acting out those “you might a redneck if…” jokes. Other interesting things about Texas:

I could not find “Texas Gravy” in Texas. It was in Winsconsin and Singapore. They must have exported it all.

You can speed by a cop on the freeway @ 100 mph if you smile and wave as you do it. Someone forgot to tell them that 65 mph does not equal 100 mph.

Everything comes with biscuits and butter. Even butter comes with more butter.

***Hertz “Neverlost” System***

My rental car came with the Hertz Neverlost system, which is a global positioning system. However, the Neverlost system is more of a conceptual creature. The real meaning of the Neverlost system is that the Car is never lost because it is just a car. It doesn’t have a brian. And you will never be lost as long you know where you are going. If you don’t, you’ll be lost. After leaving the airport to get the hotel, my first stop using the Neverlost system was a lake. It seemed like the lake on fire, but it turned out to be the weekly clansman meeting. So I left. The next stop using my Neverlost system was a mall. Now I am beginning to think that the Neverlost system is really just a bunch of dorks at the Hertz counter sending people around the state. But at least I am driving around in a black Ford Taurus GL with a CD player, so I was not complaining. In fact, I was dancing with the “Hand Puppet That Cares” until I almost hit something (sound familiar Jon and Silk). On the third try, I get to the hotel, so al is well. The hotel check-in process goes great. The room is immaculate. And the bellman won’t leave until I tip him at least 3 dollars. But all goes well. They even give you little post-card sized announcements everyday that have the weather, special events, news briefs, and give you the opportunity to select what radio station you want to be on the radio when you first enter your room at night. To be fair to the “Neverlost” system, it did get me to most places on the second try for the duration of the trip and back to the airport on the first try when it was time to go home.

***Closing***

Overall, I enjoyed the this adventure as well. My next destination is Essonnes, France, which is right outside of Paris. So Toronto was great because it go me used to seeing French and Dallas, Texas was great because it acclimated me to a strange land. I know this was long, but I won’t write again until September.

With that, bid you adeiu.

A bientot.

–RC–

P.S. True to his word, this ride is very bumpy. We are flying lower now to avoid turbulence. Look what I can see…someone’s mailbox. It the Jones’. And they are having dinner. Anyone for pot roast?