Yeah, I figured that you all need some more excitement in your lives. That’s way I present my Japan Travelogue. Sponsor-free this time (buy pork rhinds!). Although the next Travelogue will be sponsored by Cathay Pacific, a member of the American Airlines’ OneWorld Alliance. You can only imagine how that story’s gonna end, eh? My apologies in advance for the oncoming spelling errors and grammatical mistakes you’ll see. On a different note, I have some cool photos of South Africa. Let me know if you want to see highlights of them, and I’ll put them into a zip file. Eventually, all pictures will get onto my website. I’ll let you know when th website is up and running.
My impression of Tokyo (and Japan) overall is that I really enjoy this city. However, it is a very big city. But the service is beyond compare with anywhere else I have been, including Singapore. And I got a massage. Their evil tactics are to give you the best 30 minute massage you’ve ever had for 29 minutes, during which they ask questions for which the only answer is ‘yes’ (e.g. “do you wish you had a shotgun and a grant of immunity from congress?”, “do you laugh when I say the word ‘pork rhind’ in a Japanese accent?”, etc). Then on the 29th minute, the questions they ask are “would you sell your soul for a chocolate donut?” and “do you want to continue for 30 additional minutes for the price of a small nation?” I think 99% of the time both answers are yes.
So, where have I been in Japan:
I’ve been to the Pokemon Center in Tokyo. The nephews and nieces threatened to call immigration and have me sent back to Tokyo if I did not get them Japanese Pokemon cards. Of course, they can’t speak a word of Japanese yet, but I suspect that unlike science, they’ll take to interpreting Japanese Pokemon card with a frevor only found in one of my friend’s “acquisition” of Kerplakistani oil stocks (which if you owned 1000 shares, still wouldn’t be enough for an extra value meal at McDonalds or lunch at an classy joint like Friendly’s) And of course, there is the kid my sister baby sits, who demanded a Pokemon game only found in Japan. He’s admitted that he can’t read the instructions or the screen. His philosophy is that all kids are “bound together by the same Nintendo 64 control pad, instructions be damned.” So I caved. And I told his mother he sweared. So the chances he’ll get to play that game are nil to zero. The score:
People Who Hate Puke-mon (Pokemon): 1
Kids Who Cause Something Dumber than Barney to be Significantly Over-valued: 0
I visited Electronic City, had my manager take my credit cards to keep me from purchases I’d regret later, and still found enough yen to get a flash bulb for my camera. We also visited the Oriental Bazaar, where I bought a pair of Japanese swords (a great way to settle conflicts, yet gentle enough to slice carrots for the party platter), some peach wine, and other spirits, none of which had any religious significance and most of which will be gone before I get to U.S. Customs. Finally, I ended the weekend with a trip to Asakusa (sp?) to the temple there. I washed myself in some “fumes” they had (combine cherry incense with the scent of bad breath), washed my mouth with some “spiritual” (of the religious variety) community water (see “fever,” later in this e-mail), and got a horrible fortune that I would be stricken by misfortune, including medical ilness and financial loss (see “fever” and “evil stock market”, later in this e-mail). But after 4 or 5 bad fortunes, and 600 yen, I finally got a good fortune. All of the other fortunes were promptly tied to the tree near the temple (that is the tradition with bad fortunes), where I was surpassed by a German woman who must have gotten at least 7 or 8 bad fortunes. Perhaps that was my good fortune, so I left fulfilled.
I’ve also been to Mt. Fuji. Interesting hill of dirt. We are able to get pretty far up the mountain and got some beautiful pictures. Then we visited the Hanoke valley, took a cruise one of the less touristy lakes. It was cool, we almost crashed into a fisherman’s boat, and I learned some Japanese swears. And then finally, we returned to a touristy area, took a sky ride to the top of a mountain adjacent to Mt. Fuji, did some Zen-esque meditation, snapped some photos, and came down the mountain. There was a little hill on top of the mountain and that those who were truly brave climbed. I was one of those individuals, although I thought I was going to give up and roll down the hill several times before I got on top of the trip. Truth be told, the zen-esque meditation was actually kneeling on the ground and continually gasping for air. Of course, as is my life, the 80-year old Japanese couple who were going up the hill besides me did cartwheels and backflips all the way up.
I also visited the Metropolitian building, which had a nice, if not hazy, view of Japan. Did some walking around and I can now tell the difference between Roppongi and Akasaka (both are sections of the city of Tokyo) In Roppongi, they took Gap’s “everybody in leather” advertising a little too literally…let’s just say that I mistook some pleasantly plump people for cows. And I visited the temple nearby the Tokyo tower, although I can’t remember its name. I also visited the Imperial Palace, which has some beautiful gardens. Interesting story here: I saw a cherry blossom tree that was beginning to bloom (rather early for Japan), so I wanted to take a picture. So I took a picture and when I went to put my camera way, a flash went off…from someone else’s camera. They had taken a picture of me. At first I figured it was my wily charms. But as it turns out, black people in Japan is similar to a great meal at Friendly’s…both are rare. At this one chinese restaurant near where I am working, I have them convinced that I am Micheal Jordan and that I am doing commercials for IBM in Japan. I would tell them the truth, but I get extra rice with every meal there, so I am trying to let them down gently.
During the week, I also visited a town outside of Tokyo named “Kawasaki.” It was a great town. And the people were very helpful. I had happened to take a bus out to the IBM site, which I passed because I was lost. So I was still on the bus when everyone got off. Translated, that was the last stop. But I remained on the bus, convinced that we’d move sooner or later. Five minutes passed. And then ten minutes. During which time the bus driver was waiting for me to get off of the bus. Finally, he began speaking in Japanese, the most frequent term being “gaijing” which means “foreigner.” I smiled. He then continued to talk for about a minute, during which time I said “hai” (means “yes”) repeatedly. And then someone passed by the bus. He ran off the bus to get to get the woman, chanting and pointing to the bus “blah blah gaijing gaijing gaijing blah blah gaijing.” Both laughed. Laughed some more. And after a few final chuckles and one or two more “blah blah gaijings,” the woman and the bus driver came onto the bus and the lady informed me that this was the last stop. I told her I was looking for the IBM Bus Stop (yes, in other countries, IBM buys road signs and bus station stop names). I then paid again and the bus driver let me off at the IBM Building, which amazingly, had a big sign on it that said “IBM.” You could hear the driver snickering to himself as I got off the bus “blah blah gaijing.”
I’d like to present what I thought our conversation was and what it translated into. Since I can’t write in Japanese and most computers don’t have Japanese character support, English will do just fine…note that BD = Bus Driver.
**How I interpreted the conversation**
BD: Sir, would you like to rest here a little longer until you are ready for the challenges of work?
Me: Yes.
BD: (Pointing to the door) Do you like this green exit door?
Me: Yes.
BD: Would you give your soul for a chocolate donut?
Me: Yes.
BD: Do you find it funny when the Japanese try to say “pork rhind”?
Me: Yes.
BD: May I leave the bus so that I can talk to this attractive woman?
Me: Yes.
When he comes back onto the bus with the woman:
BD: This woman is a member of the Heaven’s Gate Cult. Can she talk to you?
Me: Yes.
**How the conversation probably went**
BD: Sir, would you get off the damn bus, I am now 10 minutes late. You ass.
Me: Yes.
BD: Get off of the bus. May you explode into a ball of fire, fat pig.
Me: Yes.
BD: Holy Dali Lamma, why are you foreigners so stupid?
Me: Yes.
BD: You smell like pork rhinds.
Me: Yes.
BD: Hopefully this woman speaks English. You’re a dumb ass. You weigh my bus down with your extreme fatness.
Me: Yes.
When he comes back onto the bus with the woman:
BD: Get off the damn bus, you ass.
Me: Yes.
This weekend I did nothing, as a fever has kept me secluded in my room. The cleaning staff put on those little doctor’s masks before coming in. I told them I understand (I said “I hate you and I hope you get sick?” Same difference.). It was disappointing as this was going to be the weekend that I was going to visit Hiroshima. But alas, I am sure that we’ll be back here. Top this off with Governor Bush winning the SC primary and my 401(k) losing 15% of its value because I created a portfolio tied so closely to the evil stock market, and you can see why I am ill this weekend. At least that loss was value only ate into the gains my 401(k) make and not actual contributions (good fortune).
So onto Hong Kong for a weekend, and then off to Bangalore, India, where there are cows in the street. And cows potentially wander into hotels. Should I find a cow in my hotel room…let’s just say I’ll need a flame thrower, a bucket of A-1 steak sauce, a plastic fork, and a steak knife.
Peace,
Rodney